WHEN HURT RETURNS

The hurt was back.

I thought I had let it go, thought I had moved on, thought I had forgiven. Only a simple comment, only a quickly passing thought and I was face-to-face with it again, staring deep into an old wound caused by another’s bad behavior.

The anger returned.

The confusion soon followed.

And then guilt. Massive, MASSIVE amounts of guilt.

What kind of horrible person can’t let these things go? How could I still be so stuck in something that should no longer matter? Why am I so weak?

Horrible. Stuck. Weak.

I wonder why we do this to ourselves, condemn our own feelings without even pausing to question where they may lead. I gave myself no internal grace to consider the need for further healing, I only offered up disappointment that one like me could possibly still be wounded.

Is it possible we despise pain so much, we even condemn ourselves for feeling it?

The more I fought against the returning feelings, the more I found myself trapped by them. Let it go, Kiesha. Move on. Get tougher. Stop dwelling on things of the past and look at the promises of today. You know you’re better than this.

How I had missed the point entirely.

Devoid of moral value, feelings exist to give us internal guidance. They are signposts along the road of life, not the path itself. Warning lights on the dashboard of our car, but our hands still guide the steering wheel. 

They are not right or wrong, they simply are.

It took a friend’s kind direction to help me see how I had vilified them.

“Why do you feel guilty for your feelings?” She simply asked. “They’re not the same thing as behavior.”

And she was right. I had let go and I was moving on. To this day I am actively venturing beyond the pain. My feelings do not condemn me, they simply remind me that there is hurt in my story. 

As there is hurt in all of our stories. 

Pain is a natural response to being wounded. We rise up strong but our feelings do not forget. But in the end, I’m not sure we would want them to.

With my feelings given room to breath, I was finally able to step back from my self-condemnation and allow my pain, confusion and anger to tell a different story.

I wasn’t weak for feeling hurt, I was strong for moving through it. 

I wasn’t holding onto past pain, I was reaching for complete healing. 

My feelings weren’t bad, they were simply real.

And in welcoming them, so was I.