YOU’LL MISS THIS

The man child is home for the weekend, the boy I sent to college five weeks ago back for a quick visit. A handful of weeks is short in the arc of a lifetime, but it’s longest I’ve ever been asked to let go of one that I birthed.

I am enjoying every moment.

Every moment of meeting him at the airport, every moment of hearing about his life away, every moment of watching him and his brother together. I am enjoying making his favorite foods, hearing his footsteps in the morning, feeling his dynamic presence.

I have missed him.

I knew I would miss him.

Throughout my years as a mom I’ve held close to the reality that I would miss the present days once they became a thing of the past, that regardless of the challenge of the season I would someday reminisce with fondness.

“You’ll miss this someday,” was an axiom I held dear, a truth that I believed and a principle that I clung to in difficult times. Parenting asks one to push past the depths of their mental, emotional and physical energy, and when things were hard, I dug deep and reassured myself.

Hang in there.

Keep going.

You’ll miss this someday.

This is what I believed. Or what I thought I was supposed to believe.

Standing here today I look back on that statement and my own held belief with questions. Not outright rejection, but gentle, probing clarification. 

Is it always true that ‘we’ll miss this someday?’ Is it helpful to think we should?

In truth there are many seasons and times that I don’t miss. 

The sleepless and disorienting first year of an incredibly fussy baby, I don’t wish to return there. The elementary season of doctors and diagnoses and navigating a day-to-day life that was much more difficult than it should be, I am glad those are in the past. Those strained middle school times where family dinners felt like waiting for the next bomb to be thrown on the table, I can barely let my mind return to the pain of those moments.

I love being a parent, but some experiences are thankfully left in the past.

And I wish someone would have told me that was okay.

I wish someone would have said that failing to enjoy every single moment of parenting in front of me did not make me a failure as a parent. Because many times, I thought it did.

“You’ll miss this someday,” didn’t always make me feel better in the moment, sometimes it just me feel guilty. Surely a ‘good’ parent wouldn’t struggle, wouldn’t want some seasons to just end as I did.

So to those raising littles and struggling bigs and all the difficult ages and moments in between, please know you may not miss this someday. And please know that’s completely okay.

There’s room for day-to-day personal pain and objections.

Failing to enjoy every moment does not make you a failure. 

No, you many not miss this someday, at least not this moment.

But you’re still an amazing parent.