To position oneself as part of the circle or to step inside requires great strength and understanding of identity. We have so much to give and so much to receive, if only we will find ourselves worthy.

I wish I had been more immersed in the wonder while he was a child. Less worry about the future, more enjoyment for today.

But what I couldn’t see then I will hold onto as I parent now.

That begrudging ‘yes,’ that tentative ‘okay,’ that hesitant, really-wish-I didn’t-have-to ‘of course,’ all save us from an immediate suggestion of guilt, but rob us of our genuine yes.

And burn us out in the process.

Understanding the cost of life does not diminish it of hope, but rather embodies it with value. As we embrace the pain of disappointment and grief, we welcome the wonder of joy and success. 

That night as we relived the day with friends I did not reveal my fear. It’s funny how we do that, refuse to let others see only to find ourselves feeling all alone.

This year I will stand with the little girl and remind her that the fear of lack sits in the past. I will embrace today, refusing to let the future be dictated by what has already been.

Conflicting emotions are not contrary to Christmas Day, and sometimes alongside merry and bright, we encounter despair and darkness.

It’s okay, all the feelings are welcome, you have not failed the holiday.

I want to celebrate the wins, but time is fleeting and the ‘to do’ list is always screaming and sometimes I just get caught-up moving onto the ‘next.’

But in the day-to-day of life, our cheering section must include us. 

Like any masterpiece, our lives will have darker colors that weave in and out of the brighter ones we so prefer, mixing together to create a work of art no single tone alone could ever accomplish.

Vulnerability often feels like I’ve torn off restrictive clothing and embraced liberation only to realize that I’m now completely naked.

At times I desperately wish others would just avert their eyes.

In some illusive way I yearned for a ‘normal’ family, with no way to define it outside of ‘not us.’ I wanted our gatherings to be all things joyous, all things laughter, all things…easy.

Perhaps what I really wanted was all things fairytale.

I’m old enough to know better.

A grown woman wondering if her father remembers her birthday. Wondering if he remembers it’s been 50 years since she was born, 48 years since he walked away. 

You must stare down the threats that question your worth and refuse to be moved. No matter how faint, your voice must be the one that responds to the nagging doubts of value with the truth of who you are.

Yes. You. Are. Worth It.

We can chose to remember what it was to lean into identity without needing to have words. We can chose to remember our true value.

There was strength in every drop, a fierce defiance in the pool of moisture that collected on my clutched blanket. In welcoming the tears, I welcomed back my humanity.

I hope we can begin rewriting our ‘to-do’ lists, or at least begin realizing that much of what is to be done sits invisibly between every line. We are so much more than the tasks we accomplish.

Dreams reveal truths we didn’t know we were grasping for, the wanderings of the mind at night bringing light to questions the heart holds during the day. No matter how small your boat, let your dreams remind you that you are more than enough.

It is a brave thing to stand in the unknowns of life and hold to our identity while giving others permission to do the same. In searching for the humanity in others, we find acceptance for the humanity in ourselves.

In a desire to brace against the hard moments of life, how often do we surrender the good ones? In protecting against the lows, how often do we unknowingly sacrifice the highs?

Our dreams of the night speak deep truths that can be held in the light of day. But are we listening?

Find your lion and remember that strength lies within.